Who do you serve, and who do you trust?

To anyone who is going through struggles to make poly work right now, knowing in their hearts that it will make them happy, if only they could work through the issues... stick with it, persevere.

My wish to you is that you can find the happiness that I seem to have reached in my life right now.  Somewhere along the line, I must have done something right.

And a huge "thank you" to the other hearts that make up this special thing.  It couldn't have happened without you.

Part of the reason I joined this (and a few) other poly communities was the goal of trying to share my experiences, in the hopes that others won’t have to learn quite as painfully as I and can “get into” poly in a more “eyes-open” fashion, rather than stumbling. This one is through personal experience, and observation of other peoples’ situations.

Can you my darling, Can you picture this?

You have met a wonderful person online, or at some group function. They have said they are poly and have a partner and are obviously interested in getting to know you better. What pitfalls are out there that you need to be mindful of? There are many, but I want to focus on just one today: I would propose that it is vitally important that you have an eye-to-eye meeting with the person’s other partner.

Why?

Well, you want to make sure that the other person really is as “on board” with this as the person you have been talking to makes out. For poly people who have a lot of the issues worked out, this shouldn’t be an issue – they will understand the need for you to reassure yourself that this really is OK with the other. However there are some people who are poly who are still trying to get everything worked out, and may gloss over some “unimportant details”, like the fact that their partner really isn’t quite as OK with it as has been made out to be. Sometimes this is conscious – “Why bother them with the bad points already? They’ll find out the not-so-good stuff later, when they need to.” Sometimes it’s unconscious.

Think of it like meeting someone in a bar who claims that their spouse and they have an open relationship and that it’s perfectly OK with you to have a relationship (i.e. sex) with them. Do you just believe them and take what they say at face value? I would hope not – you’d want to meet with the spouse and at least make sure that you weren’t helping this person cheat on their spouse, right? I see this step at the start of poly dating as similar.

When should you do it?

Before you get into a position with this other person that just saying “no thanks” isn’t an easy option, that’s when I would advise. So I’m not saying necessarily to do it before the first date, but definitely before things get in the least little bit “serious”. Personally, I think if I were in that position, I would want it before the first date, but your mileage may vary.

What do you need to get out of this meeting?

Peace of mind, mostly. You really want to make sure that the person is truly comfortable with you dating their partner. Be open and honest and expect the same in return. Don’t make out that you’re a “friend” who has met their partner, but explicitly mention dating, etc and see what the reaction is. If it doesn’t feel right to you after that meeting, then I would advise thinking very, very carefully before you get into anything serious with this person.

And if you don’t? What are you opening yourself up to?

Imagine that you get to the point of having sex and falling in love with this person (in whichever order you choose), and then find out that their spouse is totally unhappy with the situation, or wants to put unreasonable (for you) conditions on it in order to “make it work” – wouldn’t it have been nicer to know these things going in, so that expectations could have been set? Finding all that out once you are involved means that you’re going to be emotionally invested in things, and drawn into the situation where you may become the “guinea-pig”, or in the really bad cases, the “punching bag” for the couple.

And if the person you met finds some reason why you shouldn’t meet this other person after you have explicitly asked? I’d say that there was your first warning sign, right there.

Closing Words

Everywhere you read about poly you hear people talking about how communication is the key to making it work. In my opinion, this kicks in right from the very start, not once things “get going”.

As always, comments are appreciated - even if you read it and agree!

This point doesn't just apply to polyamourous relationships - it should apply to every relationship out there, but all too often it doesn't.


The Issue at Hand

I see many people posting questions to fora along the lines of "If I do x, is that cheating on my partner?"

There is one very simple answer to this question, in the form of another question (don't you just hate that?): "What would your partner say?"


Basic Definition

To me, the term "cheating" means that you are breaking the rules (implicit or explicit) of your relationship. You may choose to call them "boundaries", if you wish, but whatever word you use, in any committed relationship there are rules there, in one form or another.


But Monogamy doesn't need these "Rules"

For monogamous people, monogamy itself comes with a set of rules.  The most implicit, of course, is that you don't go and fall in love with someone else. But what about all the grey areas? "If I cyber with someone that I otherwise don't know, is that cheating?"

Too many cases are out there where the rules have never been discussed between the partners.  One assumes one thing, the other assumes something else.  Communication is such a key part to the success of any relationship - why does it fall down when it comes to defining those rules?


It's Really Quite Simple

So, here's a nice simple procedure you can go through if you think your actions (future or past) might be cheating:

First, if you think it might be, then the chances are it is.

Second, if you are in any doubt, talk with your partner about it.  If it isn't cheating, then they will be fine discussing it.  If it is cheating, then fessing up and admitting to it is the right thing to do out of respect for your relationship, no?  We are all human, and we all make mistakes.  We need to take responsibility for our own actions.


For Poly Folks

Of course things get more complicated when you are in a polyamourous relationship.  Everything does.  But the basic principle is still the same - you just need to apply it to more relationships.  Cheating is most definitely possible in a poly relationship - anyone that believes otherwise has been smoking something they shouldn't have.  Each and every relationship has its rules and it is vital to make sure that everyone involved understands those rules, so they can give them the respect that they deserve.  Like every other aspect of poly - don't assume - communicate!

A follow-on from yesterday's article about musicians, NPR this morning covered how Chinese writers are using the internet as a way to get their works out to the public, unlike the Maoist days of having to pass around binders of their work in secret, they can now more easily get a wider audience for their efforts. And it's fiction, not political musings, that are the most popular.

They use a site called Xidian, which sounds a lot like LiveJournal.

Full story here.

No, not mine, silly - you really think I would do that on a public forum?

This is a site I highly recommend if you haven't seen it before. (Well, I suppose I still recommend it even if you have seen it before!)

The site is called PostSecret - the idea is that people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a home-made postcard.  It's been going for quite a while, and each week there is a new batch.

For me the cards generate a lot of different emotions - happiness, sadness, anger, sympathy and sometimes a general panic at the human condition.  Often the cards cause you to read between the lines, and to work out what the back-story is.

Incredible creativity mixed with sometimes painful levels of intimacy.  I hope you find it as compelling as I.

Not usually a huge "causes" type person, but this one caught my eye, for (I hope) obvious reasons...

Check out this advertisement - great to see someone standing up for such a worthy cause and nice to see the tagline...

"If you have to be HUMAN at least be HUMANE"